Despite the cloud of corruption, human rights abuses, and Cristiano Ronaldo being douche hanging over the World Cup in Qatar, the group stage turned out fantastic. There were stunning goals, dramatic late winners, and best of all- massive upsets. In the spirit of the unpredictability of the group stage, instead of making knockout round predictions based on analysis, statistics, or nerd shit, we’ve instead made our predictions based on a Magic 8 Ball. Question for the 8 ball will be “will [higher seed] beat [Iower seed]”. It will still probably do a better job than Alexi Lalas.

Argentina vs. Australia

Australia is typically in the “we’re just happy to be here” bunch of teams in the group stage. However, by managing to snag a win from Denmark, they book themselves a date with the Argentines. Argentina got everyone in Saudi Arabia a day off by losing, so that was nice. But they still have Messi and a bunch of other stars. The 8 Ball apparently sees that and picks Argentina.

Japan vs. Croatia

The darlings of the tournament, Japan, are coming into their brawl with Croatia with all the confidence in the world. They beat Germany to start their spiral toward hilariously crashing out. They then lost to lowly Costa Rica, before coming back to smack Spain around. Croatia, similarly, has also been wildly inconsistent. Difference is they’re old. The wise 8 Ball think Japan gets their shit more together.

England vs. Senegal

It’s coming home for Christmas, it seems. Aside from the game against the US, the three kittens have looked formidable. Harry Kane hasn’t done much, but he can turn that around on a dime. The Sadio Mané-less Senegal are possibly the athletic squad in the tournament. They can beat anyone when clicking, but the Divine 8 Ball doesn’t think that’s happening this round- it’s going with England.

France vs. Poland

France is still France. They bulldozed Australia, created a ton of chances they couldn’t finish but still won against Denmark, and played with their dicks through most of the Tunisia game. It’s still Mbappe. It’s still Griezmann. It’s still Giroud. Poland allegedly has Lewandowski, but no one has seen him. They’re really only in the knockouts because they were nicer boys than Mexico, who also shit the bed. All that said, the Magicist of 8 Balls thinks Poland is gonna win the Battle of Nations that were Blitzkrieged. 

Morocco vs. Spain

I’ve named this matchup the Strait of Gibraltar Bowl. Really don’t know shit about Morocco. I know they’re big mad about not being chosen as hosts of the 2026 World Cup. I know where on the map they are. But when it comes to their team? I didn’t watch a minute. Spain, on the other hand, is in Qatar with a fresh crop of great players who play the most boring style of soccer around. Tika-taka is an affront to the game, and everyone who uses it should burn in hell. The 8 Ball agrees, and picked Morocco to come out on top.

Brazil vs. South Korea

I couldn’t figure out what was missing from this tournament until yesterday when I realized it was videos of Neymar rolling around on the ground after someone breathed on him wrong. Brazil trucked on anyway, winning their first two games, and losing their third on the goal and subsequent celebration by Vincent Aboubakar that you’ve definitely seen by now. South Korea has also had a great tournament that culminated in a shock win over Portugal, which made Luis Suarez cry. According to the 8-Ball, Korea is gonna break hearts in South America.

Portugal vs. Switzerland

Feels appropriate to start this by pointing out that I can’t stand Cristiano Ronoldo. I hate his face. I hate his attitude. I hate how he treats his teammates. I hate how the world press fawns over him. That said, Portugal is pretty damn good around him too. Bruno Fernandes and Joao Felix are studs. Switzerland is powered by Breel Embolo and some dudes. Once again, they met Serbia at the World Cup, which is always going to be a good time while they have Balkan refugees Xherdan Shaquri and Granit Xhaka around to smash Serbian hearts. Magic 8 Ball is siding with Ronaldo and Portugal though.

Netherlands vs. USA 

Netherlands are a bunch of jabronis that wear orange and eat chocolate while they’re away from their pot bars and red light districts. Allegedly they play soccer, but I’m not sure I believe it. In fact, I hear they all suck and no one cares about them. The United States, on the other hand, rules and is led by Tyler Adams and Christian Pulisic. Adams, the George Washington of soccer studs, has turned the USMNT into one of the baddest groups of players in this tournament. Meanwhile, Matt Turner is a goddamn brick wall that can’t even be penetrated by the Kool-aid man. After some discussion and redoing it 7 times, the 8 ball is all USA for this one!