The Chicago Cubs have moved to void the contract of free agent shortstop Dansby Swanson after team ownership learned that Swanson is the name of a baseball player and not a property development. Swanson agreed to a 7-year, $177 million deal with the Cubs on December 21st after six years with his hometown Atlanta Braves. 

While the Cubs were rumored by some to be active in free agency, it flew in the face of the Cubs recent refusal to commit to spending on high-salary players in their own club. Meanwhile, the Ricketts family, owners of the Cubs, have focused heavily on purchasing and developing property around Wrigley Field. This property development famously included the demolition of the Taco Bell on Clark Avenue across from Wrigley Field, a Chicago area landmark. 

 “We made a mistake,” Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts said. “We thought Dansby Swanson was the name of a restaurant, or maybe the name of the intersection of two streets in Wrigleyville that I’d never heard of. Heck, it even crossed my mind that it was the name of one of those cute hovels the poors live in! Never would have thought it was an actual baseball player! Why would we want to buy that? Those cost money and don’t even produce revenue!”

When asked about this ownership desire to void the contract he signed, Cubs General Manager Carter Hawkins was shocked anyone would ask his opinion on anything, before being pushed aside by President of Baseball Operations, Jed Hoyer. “Look,” Hoyer said, “sometimes we forget our real goal around here at Wrigley Field. Before 2016 it may have been winning baseball games, but now it’s just milking as much money out of that 2016 World Series win and buying as much real estate as possible.” 

For his part, Dansby Swanson seemed shocked by the Cubs actions, but was confident that he could replicate his speech about a stadium “just feeling right” if he had to go somewhere else. “I’ve given that same spiel twice now, so I’m sure I could do it again if I have to. But I was looking forward to spending the prime of my career where no one is going to care about my production.”

MLB has given no indication of if they’re going to seriously consider the Cubs request, but executives in the New York office have indicated that they’re open for bribes.