I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out!

Some dumb boomer

That dumb joke, beloved by boomers and corporate bros, inadvertently provides a truth about hockey that purists hate: causal fans love the fights. Humans are weird, and we often like violence in an arena. There’s a strong argument to be made that we’re in some ways wired to enjoy it due to centuries of violent entertainment imprinting itself on our genes. However, that quote got me thinking: what other pro sports need semi-sanctioned fighting? I say semi-sanction since fighting is technically illegal in the NHL, even if it is accepted. But what other sports could use this sort of attitude in its top league? Here’s three.

Soccer

This one is a no brainer. Take the sport that often gets a bad rap as being wimpy, and is plagued by dudes falling over like they’ve been shot in the dick at the slightest touch, and instead let ‘em box. Actually, part of the beauty of fighting in professional soccer would be all the different fighting styles thanks to the international nature of the game. Imagine an Englishman skilled in Asian martial arts taking on an Argentine who prefers to grapple. Or what if Ronaldo vs Messi wasn’t just about scoring goals, but also included Messi ripping an earring out of Ronaldo’s head? It would definitely make some 0-0 draws more lively, and make those skinny dudes from Spain less likely to drop 6 on beefy Costa Ricans.

Cycling

One of the greatest games to grace the Sega Genesis was the classic Road Rash. For the uninitiated, Road Rash is a motorcycle racing game where you’re part of an illegal racing circuit on open roads. Along with dodging oncoming traffic, you had to avoid getting knocked off your bike by the other racers, some of whom would use weapons. Now imagine this at the Tour de France. Right now, those 5 or 6 hour stages can be pretty boring. It’s just a bunch of dudes riding their bikes in the countryside. However, if there was some kicking, punching, bonking with sticks, or shoving sticks in spokes? That’s must see TV. When you add in the team aspect it just gets more awesome/brutal- a bunch of skinny dudes in matching tight shorts riding in a tight pack preying on any riders who get separated. This would be the greatest sport on Earth.

Kabaddi

If you don’t know what Kabaddi is, you clearly haven’t been watching ESPN+ before noon. You can go read about it here. Given how the game works, it seems likely that fighting or actual violence was a part of the game at some point in the past. Incorporating some actual violence to the game would be pretty easy. Instead of just tagging or tackling a guy, you gotta physically take his ass off the court, and in response that dude can resist in whatever way he feels necessary. It has the potential to be the ultimate team combat sport! Instead of fit Indian dudes, give me a bunch of players the size of NFL linebackers playing with my new violent rules and just start printing money.