NFL playoff time is upon us! After a weird ass season that saw the defending champs play like chumps and all three Florida teams make the playoffs, we get the real drama. The entire sports world is pouring over stats, matchups, and injury reports in an attempt to pick the winners of each game. That’s boring. Instead, here’s predictions for who will win each Wildcard round game based on the zodiac sign of the starting quarterback.

49ers vs Seahawks

The Seahawks came into the season with a ton of question marks after trading away Russell Wilson, but still managed a respectable season. Geno Smith went from a guy who looked like his career was long past the expiration date to one of the best QBs in the league somehow, while the defense did just enough to avoid being an embarassment. San Francisco, on the other hand, is good. Solid defense and weapons all over the offense. 

All of that tracks with what the zodiac says. Brock Purdy is a Capricorn and there is no way a Capricorn loses to a Libra like Geno Smith. The 49ers win this one.

Chargers vs Jaguars

Somewhere in the universe, Jason Mendoza is smiling that his beloved Jaguars are relevant again. The Jags still aren’t exactly good, but they won more than they lost, and in the AFC this season that’s good enough. Trevor Lawrence and his good hair and sprinkling of defensive scores got Jacksonville back into the playoffs.  Justin Herbert continues to be one of the less celebrated young stars of the league, and his Chargers got the job done in a weak AFC West. Keenan Allen and Mike Williams are a pair of WR threats QB cream themselves over, so Herbert plus them should be enough to beat a decent Jags defense.

But the signs never lie. A Pisces like Herbert never excels in a big moment. Libras, like Trevor Lawrence, aren’t really known for their strength either, but still better than a Pisces. Jags are gonna shock the Chargers.

Dolphins vs Bills

Buffalo is probably the sentimental favorite of these playoffs after what happened to Damar Hamlin. However, they’re also really, really good. Josh Allen is a machine that destroys defenses and the emergence of James Cook just makes them better. Miami, on the other hand, stumbled their way to the end of the season and lost Tua Tagovailoa in the process. Tua has been ruled out and the Dolphins don’t really seem to know who is going to start. Teddy Bridgewater is also hurt (and sucks) so it appears rookie Skylar Thompson is going to get fed to the wolves. 

Josh Allen was born May 21st, which puts him right on the line for being a Taurus or Gemini. Given his ability to take charge, it seems clear he’s a Taurus though. Thompson is a true Gemini, and there’s no Gemini alive that can beat a Taurus. Bills will win big vs Miami. 

Giants vs Vikings

The New York Football Giants return to the playoffs for the first time this century without Eli Manning after capturing a wild card from a tough NFC East. Daniel Jones has been competent, but like the Jags, the Giants have lived off turnovers and defensive scoring. The Vikings won a hilariously bad NFC North, and despite winning 13 games this season are getting absolutely no respect from anyone. Wonder if Kirk Cousins has a history of keeping a chip on his shoulder when folks doubt him? 

Jones is another Gemini that is such a disaster they can barely put their shoes on in the morning. Cousins is a powerful Leo, so the Vikings will win easily if the players around him don’t blow it. Vikings will send the Giants packing.

Ravens vs Bengals

This should be the best game of the whole round. Ravens defense vs. Joe Burrow and the Bengals offense. In fact, it would probably be okay for the Ravens offense to not even come on the field. They’ve got a massive question at QB with Lamar Jackson still recovering from his knee injury, so it looks like Tyler Huntley will have to throw to Mark Andrews. Joe Burrow remains a force to be reckoned with, and 98% of this game will come down to how well his line can slow the Ravens pass rush. 

Aside from just being a better QB than Huntley, Burrow is graced by the composure of a Saggitarius. Huntley, as an Aquarious, doesn’t really stand a chance. Bengals will find a way to come out over the Ravens. 

Cowboys vs Buccaneers

It’s time for our annual reminder that Tom Brady is not human. The Buccaneers squeaked into the playoffs because the NFC South is absolute dogshit. Overall, they’re not a good football team. But Tom Brady can still do Tom Brady things, so ruling them out is never a good idea. The Cowboys looked great during most of the regular season, despite Dak Prescott throwing some truly bizarre interceptions. They fizzled toward the end, but facing a really bad Tampa defense could be all they need to get back on track. 

It’s a battle of Leos! However, remember, your birthday is just an estimate of your star sign. Based on performance, we know for sure Brady brings that Leo power, so expect Tampa to do some magic against Dallas.