A recent poll of Chicago Cubs fans discovered that 94% feel the gateway to hell that opened on November 2, 2016 is still worth the Cubs winning the World Series. The gateway, opened due to so many simultaneous deals with the devil made after the 8th inning of game 7, has been directly attributed to numerous horrors unleashed on Earth since. Calamities believed to be caused by the direct link to Hell include COVID-19, the Russo-Ukrainian War, the death of Queen Elizabeth II, and rise of Imagine Dragons.
“I still can’t believe the Cubs did it,” said Tom Mostancawicizski of the Chicago neighborhood or Ravenswood. “It’s a shame millions have died of a virus introduced by demons, and that a demon convinced Vladimir Putin to invade Ukraine, but holy fuck did you see Zobrist’s slide in the 2nd? I mean, my soul now belongs to Satan, but they can’t take this title away from the Cubbies!”
Others, such as Laura Gondrapolis of Wicker Park, wonder if the Cubs winning the World Series actually brought more good to the world than the passage to the underworld is bringing evil. “I know a lot of people are really bummed out about the genocides, famines, and devils shoving their hands up humans asses like sock puppets. However, I’m not sure that isn’t worth how happy it made me and all my college friends who moved here from Michigan!”
Representatives from Hell are not sure themselves why the Cubs victory caused a tear in the fabric between our two planes of existence. “While we are grateful for the opportunity to inflict pain and turmoil on the human race, we in Hell are not certain of the cause. We can only speculate that the massive amount of evil willpower required to deliver a World Series title to the Cubs completely fractured the barrier between Earth and Hell.” As for the hell on Earth created by Cubs fans reminding everyone else about the Cubs 2016 victory every chance they get, Hell has maintained they have nothing to do with that.
Despite the pain and suffering caused by the prayers to the devil by Cubs fans, most Chicagoians seem eager to make a similar deal: “I’d sell my soul if the Bears could just beat Green Bay,” Mostancawicizski said. “Ya know, if I hadn’t already for the Cubbies.”
