Tua Tagovailoa Thinks He’s a Fire Truck, Cleared to Play
Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa has been cleared by Dolphins team doctors to play despite thinking he is actually a fire truck.
Cubs Try to Void Swanson Contract, Thought He was Real Estate
The Chicago Cubs have moved to void the contract of free agent shortstop Dansby Swanson after team ownership learned that Swanson is the name of a baseball player and not a property development.
NFL Bans Tackling Quarterbacks
In a surprise move, the National Football League changed their rules to no longer allow defensive players to tackle quarterbacks. The changes come as the NFL has consistently limited the amount of contact with quarterbacks allowed over the past 15…
World Cup 2022 Semifinal Predictions (as chosen by a Magic 8 Ball)
The best part of tournaments like the World Cup, especially in the knockout stage, is that statistical analysis doesn’t mean shit. A team that looked like shit in the group stage, but managed to squeak into the knockouts, can manage…
Tom Brady Slays Immortal, Able to Play Another 400 Years
In a late night duel outside of Raymond James Stadium, Tom Brady defeated Vladislav Dipderkinski to claim Dipderkinski’s powers. Brady, known to most as an NFL superstar, is also a 650 year old immortal participating in a global competition among…
World Cup 2022 Quarterfinal Predictions (as chosen by a Magic 8 Ball)
The Magic 8 Ball predictions, however, went 4 and 4. The losses by Japan, Korea, and Poland should have probably been expected, but the Magic 8 Ball is bold!
World Cup 2022 Round of 16 Predictions (as chosen by a Magic 8 Ball)
The United States, on the other hand, rules and is led by Tyler Adams and Christian Pulisic. Adams, the George Washington of soccer studs, has turned the USMNT into one of the baddest groups of players in this tournament.
Justin Fields Takes Out Restraining Order Against Bears O-Line
Chicago Bears quarterback Justin Fields filed a restraining order against his entire offensive line in Cook County Circuit Court. The filed petition noted that Fields fears for his health and safety due to the action of his linemen, and believes…
Cubs Fans Still Ok with Gate To Hell Created by 2016 Title
A recent poll of Chicago Cubs fans discovered that 94% feel the gateway to hell that opened on November 2, 2016 is still worth the Cubs winning the World Series. The gateway, opened due to so many simultaneous deals with…
Three Professional Sports that Should Incorporate Fighting
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out! Some dumb boomer That dumb joke, beloved by boomers and corporate bros, inadvertently provides a truth about hockey that purists hate: causal fans love the fights. Humans are weird,…